My Diary,

Yo it's me. Yea...Well...Whoever is reading this stop. Because it's about to get depressing. And I don't want you to see this. Because if something happens to me...Well... Somebody might find out my life.

Today was good...I guess. I'm just deep in thought, If I were to slit my wrists would it take away emotional pain? Am I saying this to get attention? My feelings are messing with my mind. I hate them for that. My righteous suicide... I don't know if I should. I might go to hell, therefore, I'll stay on this cursed and F*cking earth until God takes my life willingly.

I'm tired of people saying how they're depressed, oh wow, you're depressed because you can't get an allowance? I'D GIVE MY FUCKING MATERIAL ITEMS UP JUST TO NOT BE DEPRESSED, TAKE THE DAMN ALLOWANCE FROM ME AND BE HAPPY, BECAUSE I SURELY NEVER WILL!!

I hate being who I am, pretending everything is alright, laughing when I should be sobbing. I try to fit in and be happy all the time, it's hard and my friends are noticing. Can't I just be left alone with my depression? It'll lead me to go insane but...I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me.

I want to be mommy's little girl, I dislike being punk. Right now I'm turning gothic without the black attire. I care what people think so...Yea diary, I fake almost everything.

My wings to heaven are breaking and I'm falling,

Can someone catch me?,

Don't let me go to the bottomless pit of torture,

I'll give my life up for others...Will they give it up for me?,

Looking down I see no hope nor faith,

I know this was coming sometime,

Death is catching up with me and its going to greet me with bliss,

Dampened eyes and blood-stained thoughts,

No one is there to wipe away these tears, this pain,

I have someone, But no one knows about him,

He's my Angel, my praising guardian.

If he were to read this I would say,

Don't worry, Just don't take after me,

Don't make the mistakes I have,

Never remember me, because in the end,

No one will...

Like that poem? Well don't. Because it sucks just like me. I should beat myself up. I deserved everything. Why can't my parents be happy ALL the time? I love them dearly, even when they lose their tempers and yell. Piercing shrills of those voices never leave my head. Only to ring from ear to ear, their fights rage in my thoughts like fire....Never to burn out.

Even when they are happy, I still have this edge. They hug me and I hug back,...But... Why do I need a hug? I don't DESERVE IT. It's my fault for the way they are. If I was never born, everything would be paradise for them.

I don't want to take pills for my depression... That's why I hardly tell anyone how I am. I told a few, they promised to keep it a secret. I want to go far away... Where LOVE IS REAL... And no one is ever sad...

I WANT TO STOP....being such a gothic child, it pisses off my mom, I see it in her eyes. She's so nice when I'm nice. One foul mistake and I lose control..

I WANT TO STOP... Failing my tests, my concentration going wild. Maybe if I become an honor student...She will love me more...

I WANT MY HEART BACK! GOD GIVE ME MY HEART BACK! I WANT MY FAITH, MY HOPE! SATAN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOUR TEMPTATIONS OF SIN AGAIN! THIS IS TEARING ME APART!

......

..............

......

Where's my Angel...

....

I miss you...

Don't have pity... Just forget I'm there. This probably saddened your day... I'm uncontrollably sorry,...I warned you......

I WARNED YOU NOT TO READ THIS!

I'm bored so I think I'll talk to myself again all cheerfully. There's nothing really to do except stare at a computer screen. Does anyone stare back at you when you stare at a tv?...All you do is stare at the television for hours and hours....Quite a nice hobby. I'm still in this jail cell (school), It's a Friday too and I shouldn't be punished! Err... I wonder how long it will take for me to actually find something to DO.  Bleh, Tina, Nikki, or Robyn, any of you read this....S.O.S.!!! get me out of this torture house!... Geh?

What to do....uhh...20 minutes before I do Algebra, heh. Hm.....GUESS WHAT! Benji Madden's middle name is LEVI!!! I wonder if Levi is reading this...HEY LEVI!!! hehe, Benji Levi Madden. If you mix the words around in levi you can spell vile, evil, and... live. o.0 Awesome. It's a sign!! Maybe it's a sign,...Like Benji is one of my favorite guys...and so is levi...Or maybe the sign is that Benji wears dark make-up and Levi does too?....>< Bad images!  x.x

Be back,....Some time!

Dear...People er...Xanga,

Yesterday and today wasn't so good, some of my friends keep talking about suicide. I don't like it but I wish I could help them. One time I saw blood on a knife when I went over to a friend's house... I saw her left wrist slit... I makes me sad to see people do this to themselves. I have good parents and I'm thankful for that. But I can't stand it when they do this to me, they make me watch knowing I can't do anything. I tried to stop my one friend from cutting theirself but they were like, "What are you going to do? Kill me if I don't listen?"...I don't talk to that person I anymore.

There is hope in the world for suicide victims... They just have to find it. I probably sound like a psychiatrist right now or something. But i love them dearly as friends, i don't like to see them like this. Only if there was something i could do....

The only good thing about this site is that it doesn't talk back. Your words just flow gently as you explain them, no smart mouth remarks or cussing. I kinda like it, though I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall... Heh, well besides that,, let me explain my happy life.

Well tomorrow is the Malvern Dance, I can't wait...well actually I can. Too many perverted boys there, if someone grabs my arse once more I'm going to tear them apart!!... Heh, ...  Tomorrow I get to dress down...I hate school uniform, could it itch ANY MORE?!!? Ugh... Well better get going, I'm in school...

See you later,

xanga

Dear Journal or whatever the heck you are,

Today was good, I got off of school unlike other people who had to dread long hours staring at the teacher while they repeat the same thing over and over. I'm starting to obssess over Good Charlotte again, I know they're posers but I don't care. I like their songs, it keeps me amused,...Hey...What more can I ask for?

Why do people have to be so depressed all the time? I mean really..." I wanna go suicide and there's nothing you can do ABOUT IT"...Umm....Whoopdee do? Why bother telling me? Because now I'm going to put you in a straitjacket and send you to men in white clothes to a building with padded walls.So next time...If one of you are reading this...Don't tell me you're going suicide.

Today I'm sitting my lazy butt in a chair and typing this journal thingy...yay...this is fun...(sarcasm) And you think I would have something logical to do? Hah... Like teenagers think about anything intellegent these days?lol

Shiza....My arse just fell asleep...I'll think I'll go now...Oh wait, I need to name my Journal something...How about....Freddy? No...That's retarded...Ahh heck I'll think of it later!